On TVPosted: February 4, 2015
We were featured on a TV talk show, thanks to Tante Bebek. She was initially the guest of that Baby Blues Syndrome episode (she wrote her devastating experience in The Urban Mama and got massive responses), but since she had to catch the flight to Bali that morning, then referred the opportunity to me.
Actually, it is hard to talk about what i had been through. I didn’t know why i took that chance. The moment after saying yes, i got this nervous breakdown. I never really talked about it. Sure, i mentioned it here on some letters to you two. But never gone into details. Now, i have to talk to strangers well… practically to millions viewers, live!
I told Ayah about it and his first reaction was: “You had baby blues syndrome?”
And i was like…
“You did NOT know? I went to that expensive counseling hours with that psychologist, remember?”
See, nobody really knows. I mean, God! Doesn’t that saggy dark circle under my eyes tell you something?
Despite being rather reluctant, I found my self in the studio that morning. I was prepared to see the two sided face of entertainment business. But what i got is certainly beyond my expectation. To give you some backgrounds, let me tell you a story.
When i was 17 (or around that age), i was invited to become co-host or co-DJ in an after school program of the most famous radio station in the city (where i spend my high school time). I was nothing but thrilled. I mean, i once a radio broadcaster my self, back in my hometown. But that is different. It’s just community radio in pretty small town. Now, we talk about major brand radio station in big city. Anyway… where were we again? yeah, right! The invitation of co-hosting a radio program.
The host was a ridiculously pretty girl. She was a model who went to school abroad and she’s quite a big name that time. That fact alone has intimidated me. But, sitting there beside her is another story. I tried to remember that she’s just a human being just like me. I’m a good person. Not physically comparable to her, but quite decent i guess. I acted as normal as i could be. I said hi and tried to make conversation. But, she didn’t talk to me. I didn’t remember if she ever asked my question. She didn’t even look at me. Not a single glance.
When we were on air, it’s like… SNAP! She changed. Her iceberg personality suddenly switched to very welcome-super friendly-just the girl next door-cheerful and sugar voice. It scares the hell of me. Every commercial break, i felt the chilly air between us.
Years after that, I’ve got some opportunities to see how a TV program run behind the camera. Let me tell you this kids, some of the faces you see in TV are fake. Camera and lighting sometimes don’t shape your character. They simply create different images of you.
Now, let’s go back to the future.
I’ve set my expectation about the talk show so low i hoped i won’t be disappointed. Turns out, the host of the show is a down to earth celebrity mama. Since the second i entered the room, she talked to me sincerely. She made me feel like a valuable guest, not a property in the set area. Since I’ve already learned my lesson, i didn’t invite my self in conversation. SHE invited me. During 3 hours with her, i see how normal she is. She’s just like my friend i can talk to in the nursing room.
Before the camera rolled, she briefed me about things we will discuss and asked me what I’d like to share with her on stage. At that point, i thought that.. I’m going to reveal almost every depression i had after your births. Whatever will be, will be… Besides, I didn’t tell anybody about this show. Except your Ayah and Tante Mira.
However when my turn to appear on the stage, all the guts disappeared. I told the very brief and general version of my experience with Post Partum Depression, and gave the slight feeling on the surface. Actually, if the co-host didn’t drive the topics out of the theme and the expert didn’t try to analyze my so called mood disorder that way (i felt utterly ashamed, really), there will be much more i could share.
But, i guess maybe it’s better that way.
I haven’t watched the show, and i didn’t want to. It will be weird. Maybe that is the reason why i finally decided to not sign the contract of being TV reporter back in 2007. I knew i won’t stand seeing my face on TV. 😀
Anyway, since it’s already gone viral (i didn’t know that people actually watch the show. I mean, i didn’t know it exists! Our family in Sulawesi watched it. Friends, family friends somehow saw it too), i guess i have to eventually write it here to you. It’s about time, don’t you think?